5-year-old: *dressed as Elsa* Zap! You're frozen.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2016
Me: I don't have time to play right now
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can't. I'm frozen.
You can read all of his material on his account,@XplodingUnicorn. He's been sharing his tweets for the past four years, and they're so ridiculously relatable that he now has 418,000 Twitter followers and counting.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
"I think it connects with so many people because there's no such thing as a normal kid," said Breakwell. "Everybody's children are weird. I just took the time to sit down and point it out."
3-year-old: There's something wrong with this soap.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2016
Me: What?
3: It tastes funny.
Sounds like user error.
No DNA test needed.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015
I'm sure she's mine. pic.twitter.com/C1FntjdRUE
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Blackwell currently works in an office, but his ultimate goal is to become a full-time comedy writer.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
4-year-old daughter: *points to a dead squirrel on the road* He was a boy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 23, 2015
Me: How can you tell?
4-year-old: He was stupid.
3-year-old: Why do you always carry the baby?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2016
Me: She can't walk yet.
3: I think she's just lazy.
Busted.
"I've had a bunch of interesting opportunities crop up since people started noticing my Twitter account," said Breakwell. "It helps me generate income through ads and freelance writing gigs, which is why my wife puts up with the thousands of hours I've dumped into it."
Me: *ends a phone call*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2016
5-year-old: Who was that?
Me: My boss. He just wanted to pick my brain.
5: Is he a zombie?
[floor is covered in water]
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2016
Me: I told you not to play in the sink!
3-year-old: I didn't!
Me:
3: It's from the toilet.
Breakwell's daughters seem to have inherited his sense of humor and some of his followers have asked if all the tweets are authentic.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you grow.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2016
5-year-old: But Mom said I'm growing up too fast.
I'm raising a lawyer.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
"Some of my tweets are real, some are exaggerated, and some are made up. Most are at least inspired by my kids," said Breakwell. "The majority of people are smart enough to understand that's how comedy works, but this is the Internet."
Breakwell's wife also shows up in his tweets.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2013
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Wife: Not everything we say in this house belongs on Twitter.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2016
Me: I understand.
Wife: Are you tweeting this right now?
Me: No.
"My wife is grudgingly tolerant of my Twitter addiction," said Breakwell. "She occasionally reads my tweets, usually by accident."
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2015
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
In addition to his tweets, Breakwell also creates web comics on his Facebook page.
